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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23235418">Untranslatable Life Experience</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkbringer/pseuds/Hawkbringer'>Hawkbringer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stampede of Millions Orphanage AU [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Trigun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Arguing, Declarations Of Love, M/M, Philosophy, Possibly this whole thing is a dream sequence, Post-Anime-Canon, Sibling Incest, doesn't really fit in time-wise with the rest of the series, knives is an angsty little shit, mention of anime-canon events, vash displays his wisdom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 13:20:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,477</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23235418</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hawkbringer/pseuds/Hawkbringer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Vash and Knives have yet another philosophical argument about what place pain has in the right order of the universe. Vash's boundless mercy leads him to offer Knives his free services as a human-to-Knives translator. Their argument is, of course, functionally moot, since they both live together with several dozen other humans on the Orphanage's grounds, and Vash will never live anywhere without humans, and Knives will never live anywhere without Vash.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Millions Knives/Vash the Stampede</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Stampede of Millions Orphanage AU [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1434997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Untranslatable Life Experience</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I want to make you like me," Vash had admitted one day, trailing one hand down Knives' left arm meaningfully. "One who cares more about others than himself." </p><p>Knives had given a little hmpf. "And I want to make you have a little self-respect. I see now scarring you was not the way to do it. You just take pain in stride." </p><p>"It's a part of life," Vash shrugged, seemingly not at all concerned with the characterization, nor how wrong that assumption sounded to Knives, who had not known /any/ pain that was acceptable, from his assault at the hands of a crew member shortly after he turned /one/ to the shots fired into his flesh by his own brother's hand. And immediately afterward, when Vash had /disappeared/, run off with both guns and never sought him out again, for 80 years. </p><p>No, Knives had never known any kind of pain that was acceptable, and that was why damaging Vash had not worked to 'teach' him. Vash had known and accepted pain. He did not fear it. Knives had shaken his head, uncomprehending. </p><p>"I can understand wanting vengence upon me. I... am the reason you killed Legato. You knew that, did you not?" Vash nodded, face still open. Accepting. Knives nearly had to close his eyes agasint its brilliance. "It is... understandable that you would want me to hurt myself for you... I made you hurt yourself for me." He turned his head away and his arms came up to clutch his own elbows, envisioning a future full of pointless, 'karmic' pain. It was not a pleasant thought. Almost a Hell to counter the Eden he had worked for. </p><p>His jaw clenched, the only expression of his displeasure he would allow himself - no, that he /was/ allowed - in the daylight hours, but Vash saw it and put a hand to his jaw, turning Knives' head back to face him.  </p><p>"It won't be all bad. I promise." Vash's gaze dropped for a moment, leaving Knives dizzy with the display of vulnerability before a man he wished to punish, probably to kill, forbearing due to his own 'morals'. "It's not necessary that you love me, but things will be easier if you do." </p><p>"/Love/ you?" Knives had repeated incredulously, jerking his chin away from the soft touch. "Love...you..." he repeated, about to launch into a derisive tirade on the subject, but just one look at Vash's unconcerned face took all the wind from his sails. His eyes flitted, cast about for something solid to land on, and when there was nothing in the room of any consequence except his brother, he stepped forward and let his hands come up to frame Vash's face. He almost kissed him then and there. </p><p>"I can do /nothing/ but love you. That's why I haven't left. That's why you infuriate me. You want to /change/ me, and I, you, but..." He shakes his head, thumbs stroking Vash's cheekbones, nearly at a loss for words. "It's not necessary that I love you? I can't... /do/ anything else."</p><p>Vash's eyes are nearly swimming in tears and he shakes his head, not hard enough to dislodge Knives' hands. "Then why did you... kill all those people? Hurt me so /badly/?" </p><p>Knives stroked his cheekbones again, struck, at that moment, by the novelty of touching his brother so calmly, so easily, despite the pain that lingered in their hearts. "You were /leaving/ me. You were living with /vermin/, I couldn't let--" </p><p>Vash cut him off by slapping his hands away with one hand and turning completely around, about to stalk out of the room with no further words. </p><p>Knives growled out, "That's what I /thought/ at the time! Do you want to know why or don't you?" </p><p>"Don't use that word. Don't call them that," was all his brother said, fiercely quietly, still not facing Knives. </p><p>"I--!" Knives blurted out before wrenching his mind away from that particular train of thought. "Do you want me to /lie/? I /thought/ them vermin, Vash! That's why I did those things! You were hurting yourself, setting yourself up for pain and loss, and I was right, wasn't I? How much /pain/ have you endured because of /humans/?" </p><p>"And you wanted to spare me that?" Vash bit out, taking half a step back, turning half towards his brother. </p><p>"/Yes/," Knives insisted, taking a few steps forward with his arms outstretched, not sure what he would do if Vash took the offer and actually embraced him. "I wanted to make an Eden for you and me. Somewhere we could live in peace and quiet, with no wars or pain or stealing. Rem--" His face twitched after he spoke the word, aware the name and the hurt were still raw and he would have to speak carefully of Vash's personal goddess. "Rem thought...that humans could live in that world, if only they left Earth with a /desire/ to start again." He shook his head. "I was so sure they couldn't. Sure they didn't deserve it." </p><p>"They didn't deserve /happiness/?" Vash bit out, standing with his hands in his pockets, not entering the offered embrace, his face so long, so old, ancient and wise and decades removed from Knives. Etched, like his body, with the pain of living among humans, with the pain of believing a better world was possible. So much pain... </p><p>"A new /start/," Knives replied. "A new planet. Look at their track record on the old one! They should have lived out their days there, /contained/. If a better life was possible here, why not there? They had Plants when they left Earth - why did they not choose to fix that broken planet, rather than seek a new one they weren't born on? It wasn't /theirs/, Vash. This one or another, wherever they might have landed if not for my intervention... The other fleets that went to other planets, maybe better ones, or maybe their missions failed.... They didn't deserve those planets either." </p><p>"They didn't deserve to /live/?" </p><p>"Not at the expense of whole planets, no! No species that violent, that destructive..." </p><p>"But you, Knives - you would have terraformed the entire planet for us, had you the energy. Isn't /that/ destructive!?" </p><p>"There was hardly any life here, Vash. I would have /given/ this place life, on a scale it had never known. Where is the injustice in making green fields out of barren rocks? You cannot do injustice to lifeless rocks! Surely even you do not think /that/!" </p><p>Vash turned his head away. Knives tried to reign in his impulse to squeeze his forehead to assague the developing stress headache.</p><p>"If I had changed the face of the planet in a way that facilitated population increases of every species native to this planet... /and/ the humans, would you have approved of /that/?" </p><p>Vash looked up at him, eyes shining with hope or love or something similar that Knives could not comprehend. "/Yes./ Yes, that's it exactly. Even if it really is impossible - We've gotta try." </p><p>Knives shook his head, smiling indulgently. "To save every living thing, even if some of them die because of what you've done...starved, or killed when you weren't looking... Vash, you cannot control every one of them. Even I cannot." He raised an eyebrow. "If I could, don't you think I would have killed them all long, long ago?" </p><p>Vash's brow furrowed. </p><p>"Then what was with the way the towns emptied one by one? Because I took so long?" </p><p>Knives shook his head. </p><p>"Legato did that, on my orders. We are, by nature, beings beyond time, /not/ tied up in the daily squabblings of such small creatures as ants. Is it so impossible to believe our powers do not extend to direct manipulation of their brains? Is it so hard to believe that they might be incomprehensible to us, as ants are to the anteater?" </p><p>"To /you/, you mean," Vash replied, thinking deeply now. "To /me,/ they make sense. Cuz I've lived with them for 80 years. But," he took a step forward toward Knives, who had lowered his arms some time ago, and put a hand on his shoulder. "I can see how they /would/ be incomprehensible to /you/. So it's my job to explain them to you." His face brightened considerably and he let his hand trail off Knives' shoulder down his arm and squeezed his hand. "I'll make them make sense to you. I'll be the translator. I've got no problem with that!" </p><p>Knives snorted, not completely derisively. "I'd like to see you /try/," he challenged his twin, to which Vash threw out his chest and declared his intent to work hard at it for the rest of his days, since, in his words, Knives wouldn't be going anywhere without him, and Vash wouldn't be going anywhere that didn't have humans.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've decided this whole thing is some sort of shared-lucid-dream, since it doesn't fit in sequentially with the rest of the AU - the declaration of love happens when the twins are much farther along in their comfort-levels with each other.</p><p>The //'s were left in because changing them all to italics was a standard too high for me - It kept me from uploading anything, so I'm going to post these entries as 'rough drafts' and if someone wants to do the detail-work of changing every / to an i in brackets, leave a comment! Also if you think of any tags that should be added.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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